Before You Say You're Leaving: Preparing to Separate Safely
Preparing to Separate Safely | Monica Blizzard
The weeks before you tell your partner you are leaving can shape everything that follows: your safety, your financial position and your children's arrangements. Many people only seek advice after the conversation has happened, when options have narrowed and, in some relationships, risk has escalated.
This is particularly true where a relationship involves family violence or coercive control. Research consistently shows that separation can be a period of heightened risk. Planning ahead is not about being secretive or adversarial. It is about making sure you can leave safely, with the information and resources you need. Below are the key issues to consider before you communicate an intention to separate, and when it is time to get specialist legal advice.
What to consider before you communicate an intention to separate
There is no single right way to tell a partner the relationship is over. The right approach depends on the dynamics of your relationship, and above all on whether it is safe to have the conversation at all.
Before you raise separation, ask yourself:
How is my partner likely to react? If you have experienced threats, intimidation, monitoring, control over money or isolation from family and friends, treat the conversation as a safety issue first. A family violence service can help you build a safety plan before you say anything.
Where will I live, and where will the children live? Think about whether you will stay in the home, leave, or ask your partner to leave, and the practical and legal consequences of each.
What information do I need before things change? Once separation is raised, access to documents, accounts and devices can disappear quickly.
Who is in my support network? Identify trusted family, friends or professionals you can call on, and a safe place to go if you need it.
Have I had legal advice? Early advice can be confidential and does not commit you to any course of action. It simply means you understand your options before you act.
Where it is safe to do so, a calm, private conversation without the children present is usually best. Where it is not safe, you may not need to have the conversation in person at all. Separation can be communicated in writing, through a lawyer, or after you have left.
Financial records, access to funds and financial abuse
Understanding your financial position before separation puts you on a far stronger footing in any property settlement. In family law proceedings both parties have a duty of full and frank financial disclosure, but in practice it is much easier to gather information while you still have access to it.
Records worth gathering
Where you can do so lawfully and safely, keep copies (ideally stored somewhere your partner cannot access) of:
Recent tax returns and notices of assessment for both of you
Bank, credit card, loan and mortgage statements
Superannuation statements
Property titles, council rates notices and vehicle registrations
Share, investment and cryptocurrency records
Company, trust and partnership documents, including financial statements
Insurance policies and any wills or financial agreements
Copy only documents you are entitled to access. Taking documents that belong solely to your partner, or logging into their private accounts without permission, can create legal problems and may undermine your position.
Access to funds
It is sensible to have some money in an account in your sole name, ideally at a different bank from your partner. Withdrawing a reasonable amount from a joint account to cover living expenses is generally understood. Removing large sums, however, is likely to be scrutinised and may be taken into account in a property settlement.
If you are financially dependent on your partner, you may be able to seek spousal maintenance or urgent interim orders. Many banks also have specialist family violence and financial hardship teams that can help.
Recognising financial abuse
Financial (or economic) abuse is a recognised form of family violence under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). It can include:
Controlling all household money or requiring you to justify every purchase
Preventing you from working or studying
Taking out loans or running up debts in your name
Hiding assets or income
Withholding money for necessities such as food, medicine or the children's needs
Since June 2025, courts have been expressly required to consider the economic effect of family violence, including financial abuse, when dividing property. If you have experienced financial abuse, keep a record of what has happened and raise it with your lawyer early.
Digital surveillance, privacy and safe communication
Technology is now one of the most common tools of control in abusive relationships. Before you raise separation, consider what your partner can see, track or access.
Common risks
Shared Apple, Google or family accounts that sync messages, photos, browsing history and location
Location-sharing apps and settings (such as Find My or Life360), and tracking devices hidden in bags or cars
Car apps, smart home devices and security cameras your partner controls
Monitoring software ("stalkerware") installed on your phone or computer
Saved passwords, or passwords your partner knows or could guess
Shared email accounts, cloud storage and banking logins
Practical steps
Use a device your partner has never had access to (a new phone, or a trusted friend's or work device) to research separation and contact lawyers or support services.
Set up a new email account and change passwords from that safe device, enabling two-factor authentication.
Review location sharing, connected devices and account recovery details.
Keep evidence of threatening or controlling messages. Do not delete them, even if they are distressing.
A word of caution: sudden changes such as turning off location sharing can alert a controlling partner that something has changed. Where safety is a concern, plan the timing of these steps with a family violence specialist. The eSafety Commissioner and WESNET publish detailed guidance on technology safety.
Recording conversations
The law on recording conversations differs between states and territories. Recording a partner without their knowledge may be unlawful in some places, and even where it is permitted, a recording may not be admissible or helpful in court. Get legal advice before relying on recordings as evidence.
Parenting arrangements, intervention orders and family law injunctions
Parenting arrangements
In every parenting decision, the court's paramount consideration is the best interests of the child, with a strong focus on safety. Since May 2024 there has been no presumption of "equal shared parental responsibility", and courts look closely at any history of family violence.
Before separating, think carefully about:
Where the children will live in the short term. Arrangements put in place early can shape what follows, so avoid leaving children behind unless you need to for your immediate safety.
Relocating with the children. Moving to another town, interstate or overseas without the other parent's agreement or a court order can have serious consequences. If you are worried your partner may take the children overseas, the Australian Federal Police Family Law Watchlist can be used with a court order.
Keeping children out of adult conflict. Avoid discussing the separation or the other parent negatively in front of them.
Most parents must attempt family dispute resolution before applying to court for parenting orders. Exceptions apply where there is family violence or child abuse, or where the matter is urgent.
Intervention orders and family law injunctions
There are two main legal tools for protection, and they serve different purposes.
An intervention order is made under state or territory family violence laws to protect you, and often your children, from family violence. It goes by different names around the country: a family violence intervention order in Victoria, an apprehended violence order (AVO) in New South Wales and the ACT, and a domestic violence order (DVO) in Queensland. You can apply at your local Magistrates' or Local Court, and police can apply on your behalf. Breaching an intervention order is a criminal offence, so police can act on it immediately.
A family law injunction, by contrast, is made under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, usually as part of parenting or property proceedings. It applies the same way nationally and can protect a person, the children or the family's property. Because it sits within the family law system, a breach is generally dealt with by the family law courts rather than by police, which can make it slower to enforce in an emergency.
An intervention order is usually the fastest route to protection where there is family violence. Family law injunctions can restrain a partner from contacting you, coming to your home or workplace, removing the children, or selling, hiding or dissipating assets. Existing intervention orders should always be disclosed in family law proceedings, and the two systems can interact in important ways.
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
When specialist legal advice is appropriate
The best time to get family law advice is before you separate, not after. An early, confidential appointment does not commit you to anything, but it can help you avoid mistakes that are difficult to undo.
Specialist advice is especially important if:
You have experienced family violence, coercive control or financial abuse
You are worried about your children's safety or that they may be removed
Your partner controls the finances, or you suspect assets are being hidden or moved
There is a family business, trust, company or significant investment portfolio
Either of you has assets, family or plans overseas
You need urgent orders, such as an injunction or interim arrangements for the children
You are being asked to sign a financial agreement, consent orders or any other document
Time limits also apply. Property and spousal maintenance applications must generally be filed within 12 months of a divorce becoming final, or within two years of the end of a de facto relationship.
A lawyer experienced in family violence can work alongside support services to help you plan a safe separation, protect your financial position and put the right arrangements in place for your children.
How we can help
Monica advises people across Australia who are considering or navigating separation, including in matters involving family violence and coercive control. If you would like confidential advice before taking the next step please reach out.
Support services
Emergency: 000
1800RESPECT (national family, domestic and sexual violence counselling): 1800 737 732
Safe Steps (Victoria, 24/7 family violence response): 1800 015 188
eSafety Commissioner: esafety.gov.au
This article is general information only and does not constitute legal advice. Laws differ between states and territories and every situation is different. Please seek advice about your own circumstances.